Resources for Loved Ones
You do not need the perfect words to show that you care
When someone you care about may be struggling with food, body image, movement, or eating disorder behaviors, it can be difficult to know what to say or whether to say anything at all.
You may feel worried, confused, afraid of making things worse, or unsure whether what you are noticing is serious enough. Reaching out with care, curiosity, and compassion can still be an important first step.
Changes may show up in many parts of life
Eating disorders do not have one appearance. A person can be struggling regardless of body size, weight, age, gender, race, disability, or background. Some people also work very hard to hide what they are experiencing.
Changes in eating patterns
- Skipping meals or avoiding eating with other people
- Rigid food rules or increased anxiety around certain foods
- Eating much more or much less than usual
- Frequently disappearing during or immediately after meals
- Possible signs of bingeing, purging, or restriction
- Increasing distress when food plans, portions, or routines change
Changes in mood and behavior
- Increased irritability, anxiety, depression, or isolation
- Pulling away from family, friends, school, or activities
- Greater secrecy around food, exercise, or body image
- Difficulty concentrating, planning, or making decisions
- Increased emotional distress around meals or social events
- Losing interest in parts of life that previously felt meaningful
Body image and movement concerns
- Frequent body checking or appearance-related distress
- Using clothing to hide, compare, or monitor the body
- Movement that appears rigid, compulsive, or fear-driven
- Intense fear of weight gain or body changes
- Exercising despite injury, illness, exhaustion, or distress
- Difficulty resting or changing a planned movement routine
Physical changes or symptoms
- Dizziness, fainting, fatigue, weakness, or feeling cold often
- New or worsening digestive concerns
- Dental concerns or possible signs of vomiting
- Calluses or marks on the hands
- Changes in sleep, energy, concentration, or stamina
- Noticeable weight changes, while recognizing that many people with eating disorders do not lose weight
You do not need to be certain before expressing concern
You are not diagnosing the person. You are noticing that something feels different and opening a compassionate conversation about their wellbeing.
Focus on care and connection, not convincing
The goal of the first conversation is not to make the person admit that they have an eating disorder. It is to let them know that you have noticed they may be struggling and that they do not have to manage it alone.
Choose a calm, private moment
Try to begin the conversation away from meals, arguments, exercise, or another moment of immediate stress.
Allow enough time that neither of you feels rushed or trapped in the conversation.
Describe what you have noticed
Focus on changes in mood, behavior, relationships, health, school, work, or daily life rather than commenting on body size, weight, appearance, or exact amounts of food.
For example, “I have noticed that you seem anxious and are not spending time with friends as much lately.”
Use “I” statements
Speak from your own perspective rather than accusing, diagnosing, or demanding an explanation.
You might say, “I care about you, and I am worried because you seem exhausted and unhappy lately.”
Listen without debating
The person may deny that anything is wrong or explain the changes differently. You do not need to argue over whether their experience qualifies as an eating disorder.
Continue to communicate that you care about their health and wellbeing.
Offer a specific next step
Offer to help find a provider, attend an appointment, make a phone call, arrange transportation, or identify another trusted person who can help.
When immediate safety is not at risk, include the person in decisions about what happens next whenever possible.
What you might say
- “I care about you, and I have noticed that you do not seem like yourself lately.”
- “I am concerned about how exhausted and overwhelmed you seem.”
- “You do not need to prove that things are bad enough before asking for help.”
- “Would it help if I looked for someone you could talk with?”
- “I am here to listen. You do not have to explain everything right now.”
- “We can take the next step together.”
What may feel shaming or dismissive
- Comments about whether they look thin, healthy, or sick
- “Just eat” or “Just stop doing that”
- Comparing their body or eating with another person
- Complimenting weight loss or changes in appearance
- Threats, blame, shame, or accusations of seeking attention
- Debating whether their behaviors are severe enough to be an eating disorder
A difficult reaction does not mean the conversation was a mistake
Anger, denial, sadness, shame, defensiveness, or withdrawal are common responses. The person may feel frightened, exposed, or worried that their sense of control is being threatened.
Try to stay calm. Avoid responding with anger or attempting to win the argument. You can pause the conversation while continuing to communicate that your care and concern remain.
If the person is significantly undernourished, their concentration, flexibility, judgment, planning, and decision-making may also be affected.
“I hear that this feels upsetting. I am not trying to judge or control you. I am bringing it up because I care about you.”
“You do not have to talk about it right now, but I want you to know that I am here.”
“I am not asking you to figure this out alone.”
You may need to return to the conversation more than once. A steady, compassionate presence can matter even when the person is not ready to accept help immediately.
Offer support while preserving choice
Offer help finding an eating disorder-informed therapist, dietitian, medical provider, or treatment program. You might also offer to sit with the person while they call, help write an email, or accompany them to an appointment.
Eating disorders often involve a strong need for control. When it is safe to do so, include the person in choosing the next step.
Explore treatment optionsIt is appropriate to take more direct action
When you are concerned about serious medical symptoms, immediate danger, suicidality, self-harm, or the safety of a child or dependent person, protecting safety may need to take priority over preserving complete choice.
Contact emergency services, a crisis line, a medical provider, or another responsible caregiver when urgent intervention may be needed.
View crisis resourcesLearn more about eating disorders and supporting recovery
These books may be helpful for parents, caregivers, partners, friends, and family members. Different resources may be more relevant depending on the person’s age, diagnosis, and stage of recovery.
For parents and caregivers
Give Food a Chance
Julie O’Toole
The Parent’s Guide to Eating Disorders
Marcia Herrin and Nancy Matsumoto
Help Your Teenager Beat an Eating Disorder
James Lock and Daniel Le Grange
If Your Adolescent Has an Eating Disorder
Timothy Walsh and V.L. Cameron
Eating With Your Anorexic Child
Laura Collins
Feeding Your Anorexic Adolescent
Claire P. Norton
Brave Girl Eating
Harriet Brown
For broader understanding
The Eating Disorders Sourcebook
Carolyn Costin
When Dieting Becomes Dangerous
Deborah Michel and Susan Willard
Just Tell Her to Stop
Becky Henry
Caring for someone also means finding support for yourself
Supporting eating disorder recovery can bring fear, uncertainty, grief, frustration, and exhaustion. You are allowed to ask questions, seek guidance, set boundaries, and build your own support system while remaining connected to the person you care about.